I was in downtown Miami the other night, at a big, for lack of a better word, mall called Bayfront (or maybe Bayside) that's on the river/bay and sits across from the big American Airlines Arena where the Heat plays. It is a really nice mall. Much of it outdoors with nice views and big fichus trees, street performers, one with a monkey with no teeth that would love to have them so he can chew your arm off and a really heavily ethnic crowd. They had a band playing waterside. All Latin music of course. Anyway, I went to eat at Bubba Gump's Shrimp Company. You may have seen them in another large city. They are themed after the movie Forest Gump with lots of pictures and memorabilia everywhere. Even the drink menus are made of ping pong paddles and the movie is constantly playing on TV screens. Well I couldn't even eat. It was so depressing all I wanted to do was drown my sorrows in alcohol. Depressing stuff everywhere. There was Sally Fields' dress she wore RIGHT BEFORE SHE DIED and a great picture of Forest in Nam holding Bubba RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED and Jenny waving goodbye as she gets on the hippie bus and LEAVES FOREST YET AGAIN and Jenny's dress RIGHT BEFORE SHE DIED OF AIDS and Captain Dan's PARAPLEGIC'S WHEELCHAIR and little Forest and Jenny HIDING FROM HER ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC FATHER. Run Forest, Runnnnnnnn. I ran the hell outa' that place.
I went to the parking deck to leave and, lucky me, they had just let out from the WWE Royal Rumble XXIII super duper wrestling match at the arena so the deck and traffic was nut's. You couldn't go anywhere so I opened my windows and looked and listened to the crowd. Wrestlers are celebrities now. Wrestling fans are really strange groupies. They are really into it. Many were carrying metal folding chairs like you see the wrestlers hitting each other with, only with the vinyl seat and back cushion printed with cool wrestler faces and stuff. I asked one fan how much they were and he gleefully announced, "they's free whens ya' git the $300 ringside seats"! OK, so he really didn't say it like that but you get the point. So I started think about watching wrestling as a kid, Wahoo McDaniel, Sergeant Slaughter, The big tall blond haired guy they made a cartoon out of who's name I can't recall at the moment, oh yea, Hulk Hogan and of course Rick Flair. You know Rick Flair from Charlotte, NC. I used to see him in bars/restaurants there quite a bit. Well I remembered his trademark call which is a high pitched, screaming "whoooooooooooooo" that fades off at the end kinda like a screeching owl "who". I began to wonder if there were any old wrestling fans in the crowds or a following among the new generation of fans so I stuck my head out the window and in my best Rick Flair imitation I yelled "whooooooooooo". To my great amusement the entire echoing parking deck erupted in a synchronized response of "whooooooooo". I was cracking up and had to play this call and response game at least a couple more times. People. We so funny.

I am not a good stretcher. Never have been. In pretty good shape. Work out regularly but as you get older you need to work harder on flexibility and balance and you just need a little edge over the younger and stronger. So, since I have always been interested in marshal arts I figured I would check into it. I did some internet research and found a Kung Fu conservatory and went to sit in on a class. Let me tell you, that is some serious shit. Their teaching method is to layer your skills. You change from the inside out. You do not just practice step 1 and then master step 2 and so on as you would expect. With this method you just do it and you do it the best you can and they correct as they see necessary and you just continually adjust and improve yourself and make it second nature. Very different than what I have seen in other marshal arts. They do not have a belt system in Kung Fu (although they do have degrees) and the testing is very different. I was one of 4 in the class. Me, two older teens, maybe 19/20 and the instructor, all of which were extremely skilled having practiced various forms of marshal arts all their lives. I held my own fairly well. It was quite a workout and they deemed me worthy of further training in the art. As I mentioned, this is a serious school and not cheap. I am not sure I want to do this though. Beside being a huge commitment, they practice the Fu-Joy Phai or "Tiger Claw" style. One of a handful in the country and very deadly. Extend your arm directly in front of you, hand open, palm facing forward, hand/fingers at a 90 degree angle, fingers pointing straight up. Now curl the tips of your fingers into a claw. The Tiger Claw. You will become a tiger. This particular style uses a lot of "shredding" moves. Take note: there are NO blocks or holds in Kung Fu, ONLY strikes. If someone goes to hit you you do, you would respond by, what would appear to you as a block, but in reality you are trying to strike the opponents extended arm in such a way that you are trying to break it and thus immobilize it. These guys do not fight for they would kill someone. You don't even hardly do any sparring as part of your practice because it is so dangerous. It is all muscle memorization and mind control. You turn to avoid the opponent, grab with your tiger claw, shred his arm at the shoulder and remove his jaw with the other hand all in one felled swoop. Pretty wild stuff. Anyway, I am going to a different place next week to see a different Kung Fu style. Maybe I should just start with Tai Chi. I did have one funny thought. A friend of mine said I should just go all around sitting in on all kinds of martial art classes and write a book about my experience while getting trained for free. That could be the next big independent film documentary at the Sundance Fest or in Cannes! But I would hate having to look over my shoulder for attacking Ninjas though once they all found out. Till next time, see ya'.